Never mind the customer relations, can we have our branch back?

"Hello, the period of notice on one of my accounts is up. Can youplease transfer what is in it to my current account?"

"Would you like to see our Customer Advisor?"

"No just transfer it to my current account."

"Our customer advisor is always happy to see you."

"No just cancel the account and transfer."

"We now have a new advisor."

"Well OK. When can I come?"

My wife was puzzled. "I thought we were just going to put themoney into Isas and the rest into the current account."

"So we were but I didn't like to say no. She seemed very nice."

So it came about that the following day we entered the bank I hadbeen with for more than 50 years, although not this particularbranch. The original branch was at the bottom of the town, small,and with staff who smiled and knew me. Some of the staff at thisbranch also smiled, but without a suggestion of recognition. Thereceptionist informed us that our advisor would be with as in a fewminutes. Fifteen minutes later, she escorted us to her office on thesecond floor.

She was pleasing to the eye, aged between 18 and 24 and obviouslytold to gain good rapport with clients. Her attempt at this was verydifferent to anything I had experienced before.

"I've just finished a beautiful filled roll from the bakersacross the road. Margaret, the other advisor, and I always buy theserolls on a Friday. We have to go out jogging after work because ofthem. You should try them. They are very, very good."

"We have been customers of that baker for years," my wife smiledback. This conversation finished after three or four minutes'discussion on the other products produced by the baker and when byclearing my throat rather loudly I tried to communicate that Ithought it was about time we start to discuss the advantages anddisadvantages of the bank's products. My attempt didn't work.

After a few more minutes of conversation of a similar standing, Iwas pleased to hear her say: "Now what advice are you looking for?"

"We are not looking for advice we just want to open two cashIsas."

"Oh! Do you know about Isas?"

"Yes."

"Well, I can arrange that."

She left to close the computer she had been using elsewhere sothat she could open the one in the office where we sat. "I cannotfind details of your portfolio." That didn't surprise me, althoughon at least two previous occasions I had supplied full details ofall our investments. "It doesn't matter anyway if all you want istwo cash Isas."

My wife now took the initiative. "How much is in the account weare closing"?

"Well. Are you sure you have given 60 days notice?"

"Yes."

"I can't see any evidence of it here, but maybe the other advisorknows about it. She is away this afternoon but it will be all right.This computer is acting up."

Possibly no more than a minute later, although it seemed longer."With the interest credited to the present date it comes to...." Shepassed a piece of paper to my wife as the account was in her name."I see there is a penalty of #3 to be paid."

"Why?" interjected my wife.

"Well I don't really know, but I think it may have been that whenyou gave notice they calculated how much you would be due and laterfound they had assumed too high an interest rate and so had toreclaim something." I pointed out that I didn't think this could bethe reason as recently interest rates had been rising, not falling.

"Oh! Well," she said happily, "I don't know how they arrived atthis deduction but I can assure you that it will be paid back intoyour account."

If John Cleese had been sitting on the other side of the desk hecould not have done a better job.

I suppose we should have just instructed her to transfer themoney into our current acount and later browsed the Internet andbought our own Isas. But loyalty to the bank and town centreconstrains, so instead I put my signature to the piece of paper sheplaced in front of me.

As I left, however, I could not help remembering the days when ahigh percentage of branch employees had either passed or werepreparing to pass, the professional membership examinations of theirbanking institute. I know they seldom needed to spout details ofaccounting, law, economics or investing to customers, but they weretrained in banking, not customer relations.

On phoning the Institute of Bankers in Scotland I discovered thatmembership was growing, courses were shorter, and customer serviceswas one of the areas of training.

But I can't help feeling that it is only service that is reallyworth paying for that will enable banks to keep customers loyal tothe High Street.